Article By: Luke Moore
Just about every guy can recall a time when he’s heard some of his buddies bragging about how much they’re getting laid. I would go a step further and say that this same guy has even participated in the banter. “I really think it’s that locker room mentality, you know, trying to impress the boys,” says a male who grew up playing high school and college football. The truth is men do want sex; however, it is not the only thing they want while dating.
Why is it such a common perception that men just want sex; and if this is not true, then what do they want? I asked some men what their thoughts were on the subject and got a variety of interesting responses. “I believe I am the exception,” says a man in his late twenties. “For me, it’s about emotional connection… it can be difficult to find people with the same mindset. I do enjoy sex though.” In fact, every man that I talked to longs for a deeper connection with another human being. We seem to live in a culture that defines masculinity by how much sex a guy is having. So men seek sex to become Alpha. “I think maybe we jump the gun because sex is enjoyable, we like to do it. But ultimately, I want more than that,” says the same man.
If we buy into the statement “all men just want sex,” then those seeking intimate connection with men (gay men and straight women) might be somewhat jaded initially. “I was recently attracted to a guy who seemed like a typical jock who would just want sex. I was surprised when we didn’t have sex the first, second, even third time we hung out at his place,” says someone who is currently dating. This person went on to describe an evening where intimate touching occurred and somewhat deep conversation, but sex was off the table. “I like sex and I want to eventually get there, but it’s nice to get to know someone and not just jump right into it.”
Still talking to my football player friend, he mentioned that he found himself in his mid-thirties, single and wondering why he had multiple failed relationships in his past. “My views on dating have been so shallow. I am working to redefine sane sex ideals.” He also mentioned that dating apps fueled some of his hookups in years past: hookups that were exhilarating in the moment but left him feeling lonely and with a diminished self-worth. It’s not that men don’t want sex; it is a basic human need and as well as biological. Connection is too!
In summary, what I’ve learned is that men overall seem to want much more than sex. They crave connection. And if this is the case, then what exactly is this connection that men seem to want? “It’s my authentic self joining together with another’s true self and being able to have communication that is not based on fear,” says one of my male friends. He was very clear with me that although he does enjoy sex, he has felt pressure to have sex sooner than he really wanted to in the past simply because he is a guy. “I don’t want to use sex to build my self-esteem. I do not want to act out of loneliness or selfishness,” says another guy. All in all, I think true connection is found when we are not acting on selfish thoughts. It is when we take into consideration the thoughts and feelings of others so that we can begin to form deeper more meaningful connections.
Are you questioning your dating and sex life? Do you struggle being vulnerable? Do you seek out intense sexual experiences; yet, you are really craving intimacy and connection? At SHAW Center for Healing, our Sexperts can help guide you through all of your challenges and more! Learn more about SHAW Center for Healing today or schedule an appointment with one of our Sexperts!
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